New?

Looking at you my heart races
time seems to stop
the whole world stands still
words escape me
I'm breathless

Being next to you
all my worries disappear
everything is ok
my mind clears

....

A mini poem that I couldn't quite finish...where are all the words I want to say? Why can't I find them? These are the questions I ask myself alot lately. Is it cause non of them seem to fit right, or is it cause I'm losing my touch. Is love making me go softer than I was before or is it cause Im not quite used to it yet. Will I ever? There is nothing wrong with Steve and I. I'm still getting used to it all, and it could deal with the fact that he asked me to move with him. I wouldnt mind it I actually feel the oppisite but the part that affects me is that he wants to go to the other side of the country. I will be the only person in my whole family that lives more than a few hours away from everyone in my family. I'm also a bit scared of starting a new life in a new place that is so far away from 'home'. It will be home for him cause it is where most of his family is but he will be the only one I have there. I wont have anyone to lean on cause I don't want to put it all on him. I want to go a bit slower than he is but yet how do I tell him? He has been planning on moving back for years I dont want to hold him back anymore. I'm sure I will adjust after a bit but it will be a little hard at first. I hate being this far away from him now and my whole heart and soul wants to be with him right now. Cause when I'm with him I am soo happy I feel fully loved. I'v never felt this way before and I've never loved someone so much. We both know we will be together forever. I know my future is with him so I shouldnt worry so much but it just seems like a huge step. It wont happen for a year maybe two but time flys and fast. Just think about something right now that happened in your life that was huge. Now think of when that happend...was it 2 years ago maybe 5 or more. Now think about how fast that time really seem to go by. Does it seem like it only happend yesterday or last week? Time goes by faster than it seems, and we have no control of it no matter how hard we try. You might be wondering why I'm saying all of this...its just cause this (the moving) will all happen sooner than I'm ready for. Yet thinking about it...will I ever be ready?? Will I ever be ready to move across the country, to move away from everything I know and love and start completley over...new state, new people, new house, new everthing. The only thing I will have will be Steve...Am I ready for all of this??

Empty

Things have been very hard lately. Its been a little over two months since I saw my boyfriend last and its really starting to wear down on me. We wanted to see each other with in the next week or so but things are looking like that might not happen. Two months apart was hard enough I can't imagine three months or more. I really really miss him and can't stand to be away from him. And just like my title says I just feel Empty cause he isnt here, I can't see him that much. I know it is hard on him too. I also know they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but there is a limit to it and to me the limit it reached. I'm not saying that I want to break up with him or that I want to be apart from him. I never want that to happen. It's just getting harder to deal with it. This is one of the hardest things to deal with, to be away from the one you love. I don't know how other people can do it. The ones that have their loved one over seas or in different parts of the world or couples like us that just have distance between them. Is it just me that takes it so hard. Is it just me that can't stand being away so long. To have all these feelings, to sit here and think and wish you were here to feel your touch to know I'm safe, to be in the best place in the world. I'm sure I'm not but at times it just feels like it. I don't know if it just feels that way cause my mind works differently and I know that... I wish I knew and I really wish that we were just together. I really can't wait till he is done with school (college) and that we can see each other more. I also know that the future can be a wonderful thing and that things could be lots better by than, but we have to live our lives till than and it feels like its going to be a very long journey. I just want him by me and for me to be by his side, and to feel whole again. To not feel so Empty. If anyone else feels this way let me know so I know I'm not alone and if you have any advice I would love to hear it cause I will take whatever I can right now. If we end up seeing each other soon I will let you all know. I really hope that is soon (fingers crossed)

Thank you with all my heart,
Kristina

Is It Always Going To Be This Way?

There is a lot of things that I can wait for. I am a very tolerant person. I could wait for a long train with no problems, I could wait for a person to tell me their life story and than some but yet I can not wait to see my boyfriend...which I just noticed I've never said his name so lets call him...Steve. (If you ever read this you know who I'm talking about lol). We have been dating for 2 months so far and I've seen him once but that is not enough, ya I know we live far-ish away from each other (2 1/2 hours) but yet it seems like its 2 1/2 years away from each other. We first met in person a little more than a month ago but yet that month has seemed to last forever and its going to seem like even longer cause I have no clue when we will meet again. He is working and will be starting school soon and I am working too. It just seems like it should be easier to see each other but I know that soon it will be even harder cause of the weather that will be changing in the next few months (I live in Wisconsin and we get  A LOT of snow). It's just going to be hard and right now its just really hard. I know I will be ok and I will get over it soon but it just feels like that will never happen. Don't get me wrong we still talk every day either just texts or texts and calls and I'm really glad we do don't get me wrong I just really wish I was next to him or I was able to see him any time we wanted to....oh the glory's of dreams. I know both of us can't wait till he is done with school so we can see each other better and more and when my lease is up I know I will be moving closer to him so it will be a lot easier to see him but it just seems like that time is a million years away. I know I'm prob just over reacting but yet I'm a chick that's what I do =)... Sorry I know I haven't talked and posted for a long time and here I do one and I rant right away but that's why I have this blog so =p That's ok I don't have anything else to say any way really, at least I don't think so....hmmm....Nope that's all I got..sorry =( and sorry I'm using so many =)'s I normally don't use that many I guess I'm just in that kind of mood today. Well I hope to have some more posts sooner than later but I guess we will see how things go and how much I want to rant again but I will try not to do it right away like today...and now I'm rambling....ok well thank you for reading even though I don't think any one is Sigh* oh well I guess maybe I will get lucky and some one just might??? If you are the one that does Special Thanks To YOU!!!! THANKS!!! =)

Thanks again to anyone that does, hope to talk again soon!!

With all my heart
Kristina

About Time!

Have you ever had the thoughts of how things could be? I'm sure you have cause I don't think I ever met someone who hasn't. You sit there and wonder could this have turned out differently or could I have made this happen my way instead of their way. My life has been that way from as long as I can remember. I've always sat there wishing things were different, wishing that my life could be different. I never really liked my life and what was happening in it. I've tried many times to change it but I never got anywhere. But for once things are starting to go my way, things are finally starting to change. How I have no clue, why I have no clue. Yet there is a part of me that doesn't want to know. You might be wondering what I'm talking about and I don't blame you cause I haven't wrote a new post in a long time. I might have said something about it in one of my earlier posts that I meet a new guy. Well we are still talking and now we are actually dating. I've never been so happy. He is so perfect, so wonderful, so much just for me. You might be wondering how he fit into all of this. Well he is the first thing that's happened in my life that I don't want to change the first thing that I don't wonder 'why'. Ever since I meet him things have been going so right for me, things are finally going my way. I've moved out and lost a lot of my stress a lot of my sadness. I gained so much freedom, I'm so much more relaxed and myself. Since I started talking to him I got a new job and things are turning for the better. I don't want to jinx anything but it seems like things are going to finally go right for me. Things are finally going good. I'm happy. I never thought I would ever say all of this. That this could ever be my life, and I never want this to change. I never want to go back to what I once was. I'm soo thankful for him. He has changed my life so much and brought so many good things I can't help thinking that it was all meant to be. Its finally time for my life to be mine. Its finally time for me to be me and to be free. If you ever see this I want you to know that you changed my life. You made me happy for the first time and I'm so thankful for you. Thank you for everything you have done. I couldn't imagine life without you. I also want to say thank you to everyone that might read this. I will have more posts I promise and I will keep things more updated. Thank you all once again!

With all my heart,
Kristina

Isn't it grand!

There are a lot of things about life that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense, you can have something go a certain way for you one day than the next you are sitting upside down wondering 'which way did the rabbit go?' Ya I know that didn't make any form of sense but yet that's the point, when things like that happen you can sit there for hours and try to figure it out yet you come no closer to the reasons of why. This is what has happened to me since the last time I posted (sorry its been awhile). Things went the total opposite way on one thing and when I thought all things were lost and to be gone forever BAM something amazing and wonderful happens and things turn around better than you would ever think possible. I guess that would be the moment you find the rabbit and why you are upside down...yet you still sit there and wonder why it all started to happen in the first place, why you had to go through it all. Why the rabbit is really there. Yet when you think about it you know you are going to blow it way out of proportion and you are going to lose all the right trains of thoughts and you end up messing things up. You might be wondering what the hell I am talking about well let me tell you. The whole thing with Sean well lets just say he will no longer be talked about...ever. There is a whole story behind why that is but I really don't want to get into all of it but I will say that he is a jerk faced loser that is a womaniser. After that whole thing happened I was not in the best of ways and as time went on things kept on getting worse than out of nowhere this guy started to talk to me. Things were going slow at first and than things really started to pick up and now I am the happiest I have been in a really long time. He is sweet and kind yet he has that little bit of rebel that comes out at just the right time. There are some people (my parents) that don't like the thought of him much but its my choice and I really like him and he makes me happy so =P . So in a sort of things he is my 'finding the rabbit' after what happened with jerk face I was turned upside down and now I am right side up with my rabbit. Yea I admit its a very odd and weird way of putting this but thats what I do best.
Well thats all I got for the time being. Things might slow down again cause I might not be able to be in here for awhile but I will try my hardest to be on more and keep things current.
Thank you for reading this and stickn with me

With all my heart,
Kristina

Changes

This will  be a short post but I just had to get out there on how a small thing can change a persons life. If you would know me and know what I have gone through in my life so far you would know I have had troubles and I have had trying times. Yet there is things like this that happen and my world seems to turn and change for the better. I'm sure you are wondering what I am talking about, well I met a new guy and even though things just started out and we haven't get that far yet but knock on wood it will. I haven't been this happy in quite awhile and as you have read in my one of my posts about the other guy that this is a good thing for me cause not only am I happy but I'm forgetting and getting over Sean. I don't think I have smiled this much in such a long time. Not only do I have this new guy I'm also looking for an apartment tomorrow so I can get out of the shitty job I have now and get away and be free. Free from what some people want me to be and free to express myself cause I wont have to hid behind anything. I wont have to hold back. I just really hope things keep going this way and my normal doesn't happen which if it does I'm sure I will put on here and you will know about it. So pretty much just wish me luck! lol Well that's all I got this time so I will post again once things pick up more or gets better or anything in between.

With all my heart,
Kristina

Have you noticed?

Has anyone else noticed how people are changing now a days. They know what is wrong and they know what is right yet they don't follow what they believe in. Its like they lost their mind, like they just don't care about the choices they make. They ask for advice and yet when you give it to them they just let it out the other ear like they just want the satisfaction that some one is paying attention to them that someone is wasting their time and breath on them. I'm sure there are a lot of people that you know of that is like this and I'm sure there are a lot of you that are the ones that are sitting there talking till there blue in the face to save those people and trying to help them. I'm the type of person than needs to help people, to listen till they run of steam or until they feel better and I don't care how long it takes till you feel better. Yet there are some people that I just cant take anymore. I've told them so many things yet it seems like not a single thing is going through. They are still doing what they want and when it goes bad they sit there and cry and complain and ask why.  I still want to help them but yet when do I say enough and just let them learn on their own? The reason I ask is cause there is a friend that I have that just doesn't seem to get it, it doesn't seem to sink in that what is going on in their life and see how much it is changing them and making them...well not them. They know things are wrong and they know the things that are happening to them are wrong yet its like they embrace it and do what they can to make it more and increase and do whatever they can to keep it happening no matter what they need to go through or what they are putting others through to do it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at a loss, I don't know what to think or say anymore. Which is really odd cause I am so not used to it being this way. If you can help or give some kind of input that would be wonderful!

That's pretty much all I had this time but I also wanted to say Thank You to all of those that are reading this, thank you for your support! I hope my page is looking a little better and I'm trying to post more so I'm hoping to have way more post and rants and letting you know what is happening around me more. Thank you once again!!

With all my heart,
Kristina

Am I The Only One?

Times are proving to be very difficult right now. There are so many things that are going wrong so many things that are moving to fast things that are not going the way that I ever wanted it to go. I guess I will start from the biggest thing, of course its about a guy. I've liked this guy for months and months on end lets say his name is...Sean. He is the perfect guy for me, he has a little girl that is the cutest kid ever, he is a nice and caring guy even though he might not show it all the time but he really is. Well me and him started to get things going and things were going good. He had to move back to his home town for a month which was quite a ways a way but we talked pretty much every night for hours on end and we were getting along really well. When he got back it was wonderful for a quite a while but then things started to slip and one day it just kind of ended. He wouldn't talk to me much and we kinda of just stopped talking all together. Than things started to pick up again and I thought things were going back to normal and this lasted for a few weeks but than it all ended again. He started to talk about other girls around me and tell me about some that he was talking to. He knows that I really like him. We never really dated so I can't say he was cheating on me but yet it kind of felt like it cause well we were kind of close. Than he stopped talking again and ended up getting a different cell so his cell number changed and never told me about it even though I got it through a friend but he doesn't know that for all I know. Than one day I saw and found out he had girlfriend. That night was the first time I cried myself to sleep in a long long time. Since he knows how much I like him and how I fully feel about him, and we have known each other for 6 to 7 months at this time yet he did this. One of my best friends keeps telling me that he is just no good and that he is ass but yet I still have major feelings for him. I still have times where he is all I can think about, times were I still cry myself to sleep cause of him, times where I just sit there while words that were said or memories run through my mind. I don't think I will ever get over him no matter how much he hurts me. Ya at times I do see that I am stupid for still likeing him so much but yet every time I see him which isn't much but every time I do my heart still skips a beat and I lose my ability to breath for a bit. It never seems to fail. So when ever I see him I don't say any thing even though there is so many things that I want to yell out so many things I want to get out there. I don't know if doing that is helping any or just making things worse but the more I do it the more it seems to hurt than help. I don't know what to do any more, or what to think. I don't know if I should say something to him or just go up to him and bitch him out yet I know if I do I will end up crying in front of him which I don't know if I want to do that cause I'm not big into crying in public. I don't know what to do, if you have any advise for me it would be greatly appreciated!!
There is more that I want to talk about but I just cant anymore cause that was harder to write and say than I thought it would be. So I will have to finish it at a different time. Sorry if you were looking forward to it.

Thank you for all your help and support if you comment, and Thank you even if you read this cause you are probley the first person to. Thank you for listening and reading all my babbling and ranting.

With all my heart,
Kristina

What else is new.

As I sit here trying to figure out what to say...well to be honest I am drawing a blank but I need to write I need to get some words out. I need... What do I need? That is the biggest question I have been asking myself lately. What do I really need in my life? What do I need to be happy to be content to be...okay? I have my friends whenever they are around even though I don't have an outstanding number of them but enough, yet something is missing. I don't know if its cause I love to help my friends and the people I care about and I love to listen to there problems and their rants and raves but non of that is going on, or is it cause they all seem to be better off than me for the time being. I'm not saying I'm better than them or that they don't measure up to me, I'm just saying that they all see so happy they all seem like things are going there way, like they have a reason for doing what they are doing. I on the other hand am lacking in these areas. I am not the happiest (I have been happier), not a lot of things are going my way and I understand that its life but to have things go the way you expect it to go now and than would be quite nice, and I don't seem to feel that there is a reason for me to be at this very spot at this very moment writing this or thinking what I am or even being where I am. It could be just my own crazy thoughts but... I guess what I an saying is that I need a life! I need to go out there and do more things but it isn't as easy as it sounds. Living in a small town doesn't help much, (neither does the gas prices) but yet I have a very very slight feeling things will pick up and get better, I just hope I don't have to wait to long.

Another thing I want to talk about is Paul (not his real name). I was online oh...about a week ago applying for jobs when this guy pops up on my messenger and starts to talking to me and I know we talked for a very brief period of time about a year ago so I wasn't freaked or anything. We talked for about 3 hours the first night and we mad plans to talk the next night which we did. But after the 3rd night he just stopped. To my knowledge he hasn't been online and of course he doesn't have a cell at this point of time. We haven't talked for 4 days now. I thought we were hitting it off some but am I wrong??? What do you guys think I should do? Wait till he comes back and see what he says to the reason of why he wasn't on and why it was so long or do I say screw it and just move on even though he said "I will message you later, I promise"... do I keep thinking he will keep it or do I just move on and have the chance of feeling majorly stupid when e does go back on? Let me know your opinions and or thoughts.

Well that's all that I have for today. I hope I'm getting a wee bit better lol. Thank you for reading this and putting up with me!

With all my heart,
Kristina

The Beginning

Hi I'm Kristina. No one will prob read this but I needed a place were I wanted to vent or write out my frustrations or just the normal every day things that go on around me. A place were I write how I see the world, the people, everything around me. I will not say true names of the people that I write about nor will I say the true places were some things might happen, but if anyone is reading this you will kind of know who I am talking about and the more I write or blog the more you will know too. I also might have poems that I write on here to but it mostly depends on how my day went or what I'm feeling. So here I go.....


I am a 21 year old that has a crappy job that still lives at home cause of this crappy job, but yet I some how still end up getting by. How I have no clue. A lot of older people think that just because a person is young that means they don't know a thing about life or paying bills or buying food or all the important things, which was one thing I never got. I have bills that I have to pay, ya they might not be a mortgage or a house payments or whatnot but I still have all of my checks going to at least 4 major things and just because I'm young that doesn't mean I don't know how the world runs or how to do certain things. In my crappy job I am one of the main persons that run the service desk (I work in retail) I also watch over up to 9 people and make sure they are doing there job but yet there are a lot of people that don't respect me. I almost never do anything wrong I am a very fun out going person that likes to make work fun but yet still get the job done on time and done correctly. Yet for some reason there are people that I work with that just don't care that I am ahead of them, they think that just cause they are older than me means they don't need to listen. I guess I don't see how a person can do that. When a person that is younger than me tells me to do something for them I do it without a complaint cause well it's my job. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that older people need to give some of us 'youngins' a chance and to not be so harsh on us and have a little faith in us cause not all of us are as easy off as you might think.

I'm sorry if that part was boring or was not what you thought this was going to be. I promise that I won't have stuff like that very often. Things that I will have on here I hope will be a little more entertaining or at least not quite so boring and blah blah ish...
There is one more thing I would like to add to today's post:

If you have a best friend out there that you care lots and lots for and he/she asks for your advise and each time you give it to them and you tell them what you know is best for them yet they turn around and do the complete opposite and get mad at you cause you don't agree to what they are doing let me know so that I know I am not the only one that's out there. I won't go into much detail about it this time but I will talk about it more next time when things either...get more heated or worse. At this point I don't know how things will go. Or if you have any advise once I start to tell more about it let me know to cause it is much needed.

I hope I didn't bore you with my rambling. I promise things will get better once I get the hang of this so don't give up on me! lol  Thank you very much for reading this and if you leave a comment Thanks! for that too!

With all my heart,
Kristina